P'Con wrap up, Ro update

So O'bee, Rowan, and I spent an extended weekend at PantheaCon, the largest pagan conference in the US. We hosted a hospitality suite that had a couple events, attended workshops and rituals, and introduced Rowan to the larger pagan and Feri community.

Many thought that we were nuts bringing a newborn (and me) to the Con so soon after birth. I am still recovering, and Ro needs to be fed at least every 2 hours. But I didn't think it was that big of a deal- after all, at home, we have to juggle the parrots' needs with the baby's- and that prioritization would not be necessary in the hotel. We only had to care for the baby, and we had help with the suite events we hosted. When he was sleeping, we could attend workshops and such with him in tow. When he was hungry or fussy, we had baby time in the room. It went surprisingly well.

I attended much fewer workshops and events at this Con than any of the previous ones that I went to, but that did not bother me in the slightest. There is a level of sacrifice (and here I must note that this word's original meaning is "to make sacred") that comes with being a parent, and oddly enough, it is not one that I resent (at least not this weekend, anyway!). Before Ro was here, I may have guessed that I would be slightly resentful or at least wistful at missing stuff. But to be honest, I was getting something waaaay better staying in with my baby.

O'bee kept checking in with me about going to things and switching off parent duties. We did that really well. But often, I was just fine staying in the room with Ro and letting him go off and do something at the Con. The first day, we arrived in time for the 1:30 programming, but I wanted to get everything settled in the room (and get the limited edition books from Harpy Pressas soon as they were available). So O'bee went to Morpheus' workshop while I attended to Ro and did the vendor room with Ro in tow.

I did not get to an event until 9 pm that evening- The Red God Revel (an ecstatic Feri ritual). O'bee saw me off, then went back up to the room with Ro while mama got some woo time. It felt so good to dance the whole thing! The God was present and palpable, and I was lost on a wave as I danced around with a few hundred others.

On Saturday, I went to a pagan parenting panel (with ro in tow) and was delighted to meet others in my situation. It became clear that more and more parents are bringing their kids to P'Con and raising them in different pagan/pan/polythestic/magic traditions. There are people to meet up and share ideas with right in my backyard! The panel talked about issues that are brought up being a religious minority (esp. one that is demonized), teaching sex positivity to our kids and the consequences of that (CPS is often called if kids know the names of genitalia or talk to other kids about sex or masturbation, for example), teaching kids your religion or no, etc etc. O'bee joined me towards the end of the panel and we headed up to the Pagan Alliance suite where they had said they were holding a kid-friendly space for parents and their spawn to meet and get some lunch. We met some other parents we didn't know before who also live in Oakland, and will be getting together sometime soon!

I was going to attend another Feri workshop after that (Anaar's Mana and the Witch's Cone of Power), but Ro decided to fuss a bit, and I decided rather than stress him out by testing the limits, I would leave before it started. He was ready for more boobie, so upstairs we went.

That was the last thing I did publicly on Saturday- I was quite content to camp out in the room with Ro and watch Bill Maher on HBO.

Sunday, I made sure I fed Ro early so that I could get to a 9 AM workshop on public service in the pagan community, a panel featuring Macha Nightmare, Ivo Dominguez Jr., and Sam Webster. I was glad that I went- I promoted my elder project, PEARL, and got a few good volunteer leads and also connected with a few people that will help further the project as well.

That night, I went to the Feri Tent Revival with O'bee and Ro. He breastfed as we sat on the periphery and did quite well. One thing Ro does when he is startled is that his arm flies up (even though he stays asleep)- and when people shouted "blessed be!" and "halle-fucking-lujah!" at the revival he did this more than once. It looked like he was testifying! LOL

We did try and push doing two things in a row- after the tent revival, we tried to do the "Yes, They Are! The Queerest of the Gods" ritual play. We got through about half when I personally had to leave. Ro would have made it through- he had access to boobie and was covered so the lights did not bother him. But Mama was sore. I am still in recovery, and my perineum, which is stitched up and cut by how fast Ro came out was aching after last night's dancing and that days walking. I was done.

The last thing that I attended was a dream workshop with Anne Hill, and I took notes. She approached the workshop not only for dream analysis for yourself, but also as a tool for clergy to help their congregants. Very informative and helpful!

We saw so many Feri folk who were so happy to meet Rowan after getting the play-by-play his whole pregnancy. Many of these witches did spells and prayer to help us with problems in the pregnancy and with the birth. I am so grateful to them for their care and concern and effort. it was wonderful to be a part of a larger community that embraced my son even before he arrived.

We headed back north and stopped by DRGN's for an hour or so for his birthday celebration before picking up the parrots and heading home.

I learned more about my son over the weekend. He knows how to ask for what he wants- he does this through fussing noises, looking toward me, sending mental images to me, and finally (if I am being dense or slow), crying. He is not quick to cry, but it is his last line of defense.

He is REALLY upset when someone else is in control of his body. He hates being changed, whether it is clothes or diaper. He also does not like abrupt position changes. I suspected that his first bath was going to lead to tears, and it did (that happened today, our first day back from the Con, since his umbilical cord had fallen off). Boy, was he upset about bathing. I think this indicates a spirited independent child who is going to be quite the handful!

We were worried because the day before the Con and the first day of the Con Ro had not pooped. I called my midwife panicking, because according to WIC, he should be pooping 4 times a day! I want him to thrive and put on weight. Was he not getting enough? Was he constipated or worse? We quickly ruled out constipation (or worse), as he would probably be miserable and crying. Judi (the MW) asked me to measure my breastmilk to make sure I was making enough. I recently bought a tincture to help me make more if I needed to. She reassured me and said that he may be one of those babies that poops less. As long as he was getting 2 oz + at this stage, he was probably fine. We would know for sure when he was weighed again.

Thank the gods that the next day, he pooped. And when it arrived, it really arrived! The first poopy diaper was like 3 poops in one. Then he pooped twice more that day. Since then, he isn't up to 4 per day, more like 3, but I am less worried. I think he is starting to normalize.

a new parent's reflections

So Rowan is a little over a week old and we are busy learning about one another. He is already an extraordinary person- he surprises me each day. Mostly his demeanor and expressions are very serious. The wheels are turning in there, I just have no idea what the lil guy is thinking!

Our little man is not fussy- you might even call him an "easy baby"- if having any completely dependent newborn is "easy", that is. He is actually patient, makes a fuss/cries only when we have not followed his cues for eating soon enough or if we move him from a comfortable spot he wanted to stay in. He also hates to be changed- either diapers or clothes, so there are fusses at those times. But he is easily cheered after it is over, and I understand being upset over the lack of control of your own body. That must suck.

Yesterday, I learned that he will often put eating on hold for too long in lieu of sleep. We took an extra long nap before going on a quick jaunt to the lake (and the car ride always puts him to sleep, as does being swaddled in the moby), he ended up not waking and asking to eat and I just didn't think about it. (I have been following his lead about food, feeding him when he asks.) But when he got home- OH! He was soooo hungry and upset after waking as we got him out of the car seat.

He didn't know what to do with himself. He wanted the boob so much and was trembling and turning red when it was right in front of him. He couldn't seem to settle down enough to take it because he was so worked up. It took a good 15 minutes to calm him down before he was focused enough to simply eat. Poor thing. We won't do that again- even if he is sleeping, I'll wake him if he hasn't eaten in 3 hours, come hell or high water!

He is starting to show the most amazing facial expressions. My favorite of course, being a smile. He goes through a repertoire of these when he sleeps- each different emotion flickering across his face for a couple seconds before being replaced by another. These are accompanied by REM, so I wonder what he is dreaming about. It's heartbreaking to see the really sad face he makes- I think it must be about being alone in the NICU without human touch and lots of needles and things being stuck into him. He falls into REM so quickly, too. It's amazing. Yep, I sit around a lot now and watch my baby sleep. Good times!

Last night, I was so tired and sore (still recovering from pregnancy and birth- my insides feel like someone beat them with a baseball bat as they return to their normal positions inside my body, and the stitches and perineum are still sore as well) and could not get comfortable in bed. Rowan woke and asked to nurse, which I first attempted lying down. This sometimes works, but he is so small that my boob is bigger than his whole head and I end up contorting in weird ways to get the nipple position correct and sometimes it is more trouble than it is worth.

So I ended up sitting up with him on a pillow and nursing that way. But he wanted to do that slow lingering nursing he sometimes does, falling asleep on the boob intermittently so that it takes an hour plus. And I was in pain and unhappy. So I kept tickling him to keep him sucking and after 20 minutes, I placed him in the co-sleeper bed. Up until last night, he has slept with us in the big bed, which is working out fine for the most part. But I just wanted to stretch out, relieve my pain, and not worry about Ro in the bed!

Well, he was not happy. As I say, he is not a fussy baby, but he made quiet fretting noises and reaching out with his arms to find me. And then he sent me a thought (yes- I believe that)- it was of him, alone, in the NICU bassinette. He had no one to cuddle with and love him. He was lonely and scared. My heart broke and I immediately scooped him up and brought him next to me in bed. I was immediately rewarded- he looked deeply into my eyes (we keep a nightlight on for him now, so we can see getting up at night) and smiled the biggest smile I have seen on him ever. He was so content to be near a source of love and fell right to sleep. "Fuck the pain", I thought. "He sleeps here, next to me."

His umbilical cord still hasn't fallen off, but it's close. After that, we are free to bathe him. They did a bath at the hospital to get off more of the meconium, and he hated that. I hope it was a function of meconium being hard to get off and being in the NICU, rather than hating baths in general...

The birds are insanely jealous of the baby and have to have two humans supervise them when they are out with the baby. We hope that after a while they will accept their new flock member. Especially Tengu and Rah are aggro right now- Lullah is fine as long as she gets played with, she doesn't care.

There have been a parade of people stopping by to meet Rowan and drop off food, which has been awesome. His first visitor was actually in the NICU- Cornelia Benevidez was in town and came by because she felt as though the labor must be finished- she even found out we were at SF General instead of UCSF (we hadn't posted an update yet)! She did a blessing for Rowan while he was still in his oxygen tent. Cholla came by our house with borcht from the folks at Thermalia, Wolfy, of course, has been with us as the doula, making us food and such, Justin came by to make us tacos last night and see his Godson, and tonite Ben is coming as well. We are planning on taking him to see his Godmother Julia very soon as well.

Today we pushed the limits to see how he would do and took him to the Oakland UU church service. He did not fuss at all, actually, even though we both looked at one another with dread as the moment of silence began. We both had the same dreaded thought that he would choose that moment to start wailing or something. But nope- he is a sweet tempered, patient baby. Where in the hell did he get that from?