Communication and Misunderstandings

As I navigate my way through my relationships with people in my life, I often stumble. Usually, it is because one of us misunderstands what the other is saying. Language can be so... imprecise. It can lead to arguments and hurt feelings and you don't even know how you ended up there! I often assume language is the problem.

So I was very contemplative when my son, Rowan (who is pre-verbal), got into a misunderstanding with another pre-verbal child (Esme) yesterday. We hosted a couple and their child (who we know from our birth class at Sage Femme) yesterday for an afternoon of "baby party" and adult dinner and conversation.

First, a little background. We are talking to our son to teach him spoken language, as well as signing to him in ASL. But we recognize that he is a few months from being able to communicate back. So in the meantime, we make animal vocalizations with him that he is able to mimic and it makes him happy, little Fetch that he is.

He howls like a wolf and growls like a bear. He does it with us when he is happy and interactive and that's what they "mean" to him.

So when he and Esme and were getting along so well and he was excited by the interaction, he did what comes naturally: he growled ferociously, like a little bear. And scared the crap out of Esme. Boy, did she wail. The adults found it amusing, Esme found it terrifying, and Rowan just didn't understand what she was upset about. All without language.

Or there was the time that Ro and I were playing a little song and dance game on the changing table. Daddy came in and saw all the fun and wanted to join in. He got right into Ro's face suddenly and exclaimed, "Party!". Well, I dunno what went on in his brain to get this result, but Rowan burst into a fearful wail.

I promptly scooped him up and comforted him. Then I turned him to get another look at Daddy, who was eagerly waiting to join in the fun. "Whaaaaaa!". Uh oh! So I turned him out of the line of sight of Daddy again, comforted him and then tried again. And again. It wasn't until the 5th time that Ro didn't cry at the sight of The Daddy Who Startled Him.

What Daddy took away from that was that "Fetch can be wrong." That Daddy really isn't a threat, but it took a while for Fetch to recognize that after a scare. (Of course Fetch can make mistakes- it's just that usually it's after a lifetime of experiences that shape our present that we see it happening...)

Something our friend Rachel said about childhood brain development may also shed light into his behavior: At around 3 months or later, the brain starts developing and using the frontal cortex, center of memories. It is around now that they will be creating memories that they may be able to access later in life. So it's possible that Ro was startled, and each time he looked at Daddy for a short while, he was remembering the scare, more than his care before the scare.

For me, this sheds light on when people with "baggage" (all of us!) act in a way that is in appropriate to the present situation, but seems wholly appropriate to them, based on past experiences. It means that Talker, who is responsible for verbal communication, when relying on baggage-laden (demon-ridden) messages from Fetch, who stores of memories and emotions, can fail. Big Time.

My son teaches me lots of things...

Learning about my son

In most of the religious traditions that resonate with me, deep and meaninful spiritual practice depends on "being present": living in the moment, realizing that THIS moment is really all we have. This practice of mine used to be so much harder than it s now. My son has helped me to remain present more often than a daily sitting practice ever used to.

When we are together, I am constantly checking in with him emotionally and energetically to suss where he is and what he needs in that moment. And while I may have "plans" for my day or evening, if my son "derails" them, I am not as upset as I have been in the past when someone else has derailed my schedule. Being present in the moment is my main priority and goal for the day, everything else takes a back seat. It has meant opting out of some fun things, taking an incomplete this semester (in which I am struggling to catch up as we speak), and looking a lot more flakey than I ever used to (and man, do I hate flakes!). And you know what? It doesn't matter. What does matter is that my son is well loved, attended to and learned about each and every day.

My attentiveness has been rewarded. As his personality is unfolding, I am learning more and more about this tiny human and what he will be like.

My son is shy. He prefers small intimate gatherings to large boisterous ones. He is curious, but only not when overwhelmed by stimuli. He likes meeting new people, but usually one at a time and he likes to have mama or daddy nearby when it happens. He likes staying at home and exploring things slowly.

He is energetically quite sensitive, and picks up all sorts of things from people. When confronted with people with crazy, tweaky, or angry energy, he moves inward. His eyes unfocus and he retreats. He uses this coping skill in large crowds as well. He has learned to go internal when facing uncomfortable people or scenarios- where did he learn that? I always thought these tendencies (as well as being an extrovert or introvert) were socialized, learned behaviors. But these appear to be "how he is", as if he were born that way.

These things make him appear rather boring to the large crowds that have met him at Beltaine, Pagan Pride, and PantheaCon. But nothing could be further from the truth. While he is still developing who he will be, I can assure everyone he is fascinating, quite smart, and engaging. You just have to meet him on his terms!

Finally!

It has been almost a freaking month since posting here, as I frenzily tried and catch up on papers for my other class in school, unpack my new apartment, show my partner's parents (who drove out here from Ohio to meet their grandson) around, and such.

I have been keeping up with my reading for my special reading course, just not reporting on it here. So the next few blog posts will be about some of those books. For those of you just joining my blog, I took a self-designed course this semester I entitled "Parenting as a Spiritual Practice". This is why I have this blog instead of using the one I started years ago at livejournal. As part of my work this semester, I went to PantheaCon with Rowan (when he was a mere two weeks old) and am going to Wolf Creek for Beltaine with him as well (where he was conceived). I am reading and reflecting on my experiences and readings. And I continue taking Feri classes with my teacher, which are geared to where I am in my regular, everyday life.

Right now, we are doing "demon work". Untying the knotted life force that is unproductive in my life, piece by piece. It is hard, frustrating work- but necessary if I am to one day become a priest in the Feri tradition. Right now, my demon work is in earth- the element of the tangible, manifestation, and other things. My demon is about lack and the search for abundance. It is about knowing when I actually have enough. A hard demon that obviously started when I was young and poor.

Rowan is growing like crazy- eating an obscene amount daily. Up until a few days ago, we were blessed with "an easy baby". Lately though, he cries and I do not know why. It seems random and we try all the usual things and they sometimes work. It is distressing. It's at these times that I need to remember to breathe and lower my energy- for his benefit and mine. It's hard because his baby tears are so heartbreaking and I get into panic mode. It is at these times that I also snap at O'bee (my partner). Not very productive, but very typical for me.

O'bee is as good a daddy as anyone could ask for- he is engaged, interested, present, and enthusiastic. He searches out information on child development with me and we share information that may shed insight into what our son is going through at any given time. He takes equal shifts to give me breaks. We tend to agree on most parenting issues, although there have been some issues that have had to be hashed out and have started as disagreements. In the end, though-we are on the same page.

I have yet to get to the point that I have heard other moms talk about- where they are so exasperated and frustrated that they lose it with their kid. When Ro cries or fusses, I very deliberately think about what language I am using-not for his benefit, since he cannot understand it yet anyway- but for mine. Language shapes how we feel and see the world. So instead of working myself up further, I try and say things like, "Oh, are you having a hard day? It's hard to be a baby, isn't it?" and "Let's see if I can guess what you need. Not that? OK- try again. Mommy's sorry she doesn't speak fluent baby yet..."

Moe on my readings later!

Life is a juggling act

My life has just been so crazy this month that I have been unable to catch my breath, much less get online for chatting or blogging.

Just as we were getting our bearings of life with a newborn (and learning to juggle grad school, etc), we were told that we needed to move. Our landlord needed to sell the house we were living in, even though he had previously told us we could be there for another two years.

So we were thrown into looking for a new place, then packing, then moving and unpacking. We are now in our new home- and still have boxes and such. School work has fallen waaaay behind.

We have been blessed with an easy baby, but I often feel guilty that we need to take advantage of that and he ends up in a swing while we work on the house or a carseat as we trek around on errands. I want to be spending time with him, face-to-face and focusing only on him, ya know?

He is finally gaining well- in the beginning the WIC people, the pediatrician, and the midwife were all concerned that he was not regaining his birth weight. It took him a month instead of the two weeks they said was the norm. He was born at 7 pounds, 11 ounces. He is now 10 pounds+ at 2 months old, so he is finally on track and getting cute fat baby rolls!

He is rarely fussy- unless he is gassy or hungry. I don't consider that fussy anyway- he is just being communicative in the only way he knows...

He is kicking and flailing his arms a lot, practicing. He is a pro at rolling over from his tummy onto his side or back. He moves his legs in a pre-crawl motion already when he is getting tummy time.

And he EATS!!! OMG, one of the issues we had is me not making enough breast milk for his needs, I think. I still don't and have not had enough time to feed non-stop and pump in between to get my production up to snuff. So we had to supplement with formula. which also makes me feel guilty. But the result is his weight gain. I am hoping once things stabilize and we are unpacked and school work is back on track that we can go back to exclusively breastfeeding. Will I be able to catch up since I am falling behind now? Or will he need formula for the duration now?

He is starting to babble and coo, and he smiles and sometimes laughs. I love it!!!Check out the video I am posting today in his album of his daddy and him howling like wolves!

Feeling a tad overwhelmed

I have most assuredly fallen behind on all I am expected to do. When I think back to last semester, I was so looking forward to a blissful period of time, spent at home, juggling the needs of my newborn with half time at school, also at home.

I did not anticipate a newborn that needed extra breastfeeding (and the pumping on top of that afterwards, in order to get him to gain weight) or a newborn that would expect to be held most of the time, instead of sleeping on his own (when they tell you newborns sleep 18-22 of 24 hours, don't think that means in a bed somewhere while you accomplish things!)

And I certainly did not expect having to move during this crazy transition time, either. I was told that I could have a couple more years here (and that was reassuring to me, since everything else was in transition)!

I have spent 5-6 hours a day out and about looking for apartments, going to midwife, doctor, and WIC appointments to weigh the baby every two days, and other necessary things. Luckily, Rowan loves the car, and sleeps peacefully during these days. I bring the breastfeeding pillow with us, and feed him wherever we find a quiet out of the way place. Given his Roma blood, no one should be surprised that he is fine with life on the road.

But on the days that I am home I am more frustrated, as he has until recently expected to be held close even when he is not breastfeeding. This has meant not being able to be on the computer as much (esp. when O'bee is not home to take him for a few hours) to do schoolwork (including this blog) to look for places to live, to catch up with email, etc. Add to this some tech difficulties I was having (I could not download pdfs from Moodle when I was able to get online- another huge source of frustration!), and you got one cranky Lily.

It has been an exercise in patience and letting go, I tell you! I have learned a lot from having this baby already. I had a specific plan and experience in mind on how Rowan was going to come into this world and that did not come to pass. However, the most important elements of my plan did- a safe, healthy baby, and a vaginal delivery. It has shown me quite clearly that there is a huge difference between what we want and need- and my needs will be provided for, but perhaps not all of my wants.

In this process of getting a new home, I did some spellwork that took effect quite quickly. I wanted to get a home that was filled with laughter, love, sunshine, community and family gatherings, a safe place for Rowan to grow, a place for us to have a temple again, a place that we could afford, a place for the birds, a place that was stable and would let us stay as long as we wanted. Additionally, there were specific tangibles I wanted: hardwood floors, a place for the washer/dryer, a good place for the bird cages, and 2 bedrooms under what we pay now.

This place that we will sign a lease on meets all that criteria and more. Originally, we saw another unit in the same building, but it did not have hardwood floors (god, I hate carpet!). When I asked the landlord if he would rip up the carpet and give us a better stove, he replied that there was another unit that had hardwood, and would I like that one instead? We looked at it today, and it is even better! Not only is it the original hardwood (not laminate), but the kitchen is awesome- real stone tile, all new on the floors. Real granite countertops- all new. New stove and fridge, never before used. By asking for what I wanted, I got more than what I expected.

Of course, now we have to pack everything, purge what we are not keeping (including a broken car!), and move/unpack when we get there! Breathe!

As if juggling what i have wasn't enough...

So I have been mostly succeeding at slowly integrating a newborn into my personal life and religious studies. But now I've been handed yet another challenge: moving!

My landlord has decided to sell the house that I am living in, and he wants to deliver it vacant to make it more appealing, I suppose. (Plus, the house needs so much work) So we have been given 60 days notice and are seeking inexpensive yet decent housing in the east bay ) Oakland, Berkeley, Emeryville) for our new family and my my birds. Argh!

It's gonna take a lot of effort to stay on top of schoolwork while juggling a breastfeeding schedule of every 1.5 hours and packing and unpacking! Not to mention I hate living out of boxes.

P'Con wrap up, Ro update

So O'bee, Rowan, and I spent an extended weekend at PantheaCon, the largest pagan conference in the US. We hosted a hospitality suite that had a couple events, attended workshops and rituals, and introduced Rowan to the larger pagan and Feri community.

Many thought that we were nuts bringing a newborn (and me) to the Con so soon after birth. I am still recovering, and Ro needs to be fed at least every 2 hours. But I didn't think it was that big of a deal- after all, at home, we have to juggle the parrots' needs with the baby's- and that prioritization would not be necessary in the hotel. We only had to care for the baby, and we had help with the suite events we hosted. When he was sleeping, we could attend workshops and such with him in tow. When he was hungry or fussy, we had baby time in the room. It went surprisingly well.

I attended much fewer workshops and events at this Con than any of the previous ones that I went to, but that did not bother me in the slightest. There is a level of sacrifice (and here I must note that this word's original meaning is "to make sacred") that comes with being a parent, and oddly enough, it is not one that I resent (at least not this weekend, anyway!). Before Ro was here, I may have guessed that I would be slightly resentful or at least wistful at missing stuff. But to be honest, I was getting something waaaay better staying in with my baby.

O'bee kept checking in with me about going to things and switching off parent duties. We did that really well. But often, I was just fine staying in the room with Ro and letting him go off and do something at the Con. The first day, we arrived in time for the 1:30 programming, but I wanted to get everything settled in the room (and get the limited edition books from Harpy Pressas soon as they were available). So O'bee went to Morpheus' workshop while I attended to Ro and did the vendor room with Ro in tow.

I did not get to an event until 9 pm that evening- The Red God Revel (an ecstatic Feri ritual). O'bee saw me off, then went back up to the room with Ro while mama got some woo time. It felt so good to dance the whole thing! The God was present and palpable, and I was lost on a wave as I danced around with a few hundred others.

On Saturday, I went to a pagan parenting panel (with ro in tow) and was delighted to meet others in my situation. It became clear that more and more parents are bringing their kids to P'Con and raising them in different pagan/pan/polythestic/magic traditions. There are people to meet up and share ideas with right in my backyard! The panel talked about issues that are brought up being a religious minority (esp. one that is demonized), teaching sex positivity to our kids and the consequences of that (CPS is often called if kids know the names of genitalia or talk to other kids about sex or masturbation, for example), teaching kids your religion or no, etc etc. O'bee joined me towards the end of the panel and we headed up to the Pagan Alliance suite where they had said they were holding a kid-friendly space for parents and their spawn to meet and get some lunch. We met some other parents we didn't know before who also live in Oakland, and will be getting together sometime soon!

I was going to attend another Feri workshop after that (Anaar's Mana and the Witch's Cone of Power), but Ro decided to fuss a bit, and I decided rather than stress him out by testing the limits, I would leave before it started. He was ready for more boobie, so upstairs we went.

That was the last thing I did publicly on Saturday- I was quite content to camp out in the room with Ro and watch Bill Maher on HBO.

Sunday, I made sure I fed Ro early so that I could get to a 9 AM workshop on public service in the pagan community, a panel featuring Macha Nightmare, Ivo Dominguez Jr., and Sam Webster. I was glad that I went- I promoted my elder project, PEARL, and got a few good volunteer leads and also connected with a few people that will help further the project as well.

That night, I went to the Feri Tent Revival with O'bee and Ro. He breastfed as we sat on the periphery and did quite well. One thing Ro does when he is startled is that his arm flies up (even though he stays asleep)- and when people shouted "blessed be!" and "halle-fucking-lujah!" at the revival he did this more than once. It looked like he was testifying! LOL

We did try and push doing two things in a row- after the tent revival, we tried to do the "Yes, They Are! The Queerest of the Gods" ritual play. We got through about half when I personally had to leave. Ro would have made it through- he had access to boobie and was covered so the lights did not bother him. But Mama was sore. I am still in recovery, and my perineum, which is stitched up and cut by how fast Ro came out was aching after last night's dancing and that days walking. I was done.

The last thing that I attended was a dream workshop with Anne Hill, and I took notes. She approached the workshop not only for dream analysis for yourself, but also as a tool for clergy to help their congregants. Very informative and helpful!

We saw so many Feri folk who were so happy to meet Rowan after getting the play-by-play his whole pregnancy. Many of these witches did spells and prayer to help us with problems in the pregnancy and with the birth. I am so grateful to them for their care and concern and effort. it was wonderful to be a part of a larger community that embraced my son even before he arrived.

We headed back north and stopped by DRGN's for an hour or so for his birthday celebration before picking up the parrots and heading home.

I learned more about my son over the weekend. He knows how to ask for what he wants- he does this through fussing noises, looking toward me, sending mental images to me, and finally (if I am being dense or slow), crying. He is not quick to cry, but it is his last line of defense.

He is REALLY upset when someone else is in control of his body. He hates being changed, whether it is clothes or diaper. He also does not like abrupt position changes. I suspected that his first bath was going to lead to tears, and it did (that happened today, our first day back from the Con, since his umbilical cord had fallen off). Boy, was he upset about bathing. I think this indicates a spirited independent child who is going to be quite the handful!

We were worried because the day before the Con and the first day of the Con Ro had not pooped. I called my midwife panicking, because according to WIC, he should be pooping 4 times a day! I want him to thrive and put on weight. Was he not getting enough? Was he constipated or worse? We quickly ruled out constipation (or worse), as he would probably be miserable and crying. Judi (the MW) asked me to measure my breastmilk to make sure I was making enough. I recently bought a tincture to help me make more if I needed to. She reassured me and said that he may be one of those babies that poops less. As long as he was getting 2 oz + at this stage, he was probably fine. We would know for sure when he was weighed again.

Thank the gods that the next day, he pooped. And when it arrived, it really arrived! The first poopy diaper was like 3 poops in one. Then he pooped twice more that day. Since then, he isn't up to 4 per day, more like 3, but I am less worried. I think he is starting to normalize.