Friday, December 18, 2009

Reading more parenting books

Right now, I am reading a book that a classmate and fellow mama gave me for my baby shower. It's called, The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness. And while it is written by a pyschologist, I won't hold that against him (LOL).

He says that there are 5 interconnected steps (Feri people, this should sound familar!) to helping a child learn the skill of cultivating happiness throughout their life:

1. Connection
2. Play
3. Practice
4. Mastery
5. Recognition

I am about to begin the in-depth chapters on each step in the process and how the relate and build to one another. But it seems interesting and sound... He talks about having a "happy childhood" and material resources not leading to being a happy, well adjusted adult- only learning the skills to control your own ability to happy will do that. And these are skills that you can introduce from a young age to help a child develop them...

In pregnancy news, Obie and I graduated from childbirth class this week, and are about to enter weekly midwife visits soon, as we are getting down to the wire (Is it really only 5 more weeks? Eep!). Rowan continues to grow (as do I) and move about. Soon, we'll both be outta room! Pictures soon- we finally got a replacement camera battery charger!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Religion in America

Got an email for an interesting talk happening in my backyard. May be going, but wanted to mull over some of the stats in the email publicly. The abstract is in black plain type. My comments to the abstract are in brown italics...

Americans continue to pull away from organized religion. In the most recent data 17 percent of adults have no religion, up from 7 percent in 1990 and 14 percent in 2000. Our previous research focused on the trend from 1991 to 2000. Taking a wider view, we now conclude that the trend started earlier (around 1986) and continues.

I find this to be true of generational contemporaries that I know and folks a generation younger than me that I know. I think it is harder in America today for a young person who is a reasonable rational person to express any faith- because it is now seen as the realm of the fundamentalist crazy person. To be religious, especially devout, is to be lumped in with raving right wing evangelicals- and who wants that (other than raving right wing evangelicals, that is)?

Our previous work identified two sources of change: generational succession and political disaffection. Both are still important. More Americans than ever are being raised without religion, making recent cohorts less substantially less religious than the generation that is passing away. Furthermore, in the past Americans who were raised without religion often acquired one in adulthood; that happens far less often now.

I wonder what this will mean for my son, as he will be raised in our faith and surrounded by people of many faiths. We plan on teaching him multi-religious perspectives and respect. Will this make him a distinct minority? Will his only peers in this regard (people raised with religion) be conservatives?

Political disaffection continues to play a role in the increase in those reporting no religion preference; the trend away from organized religion is limited to political moderates and liberals. About 95 percent of political conservatives identify with a religion now, just as they did twenty years ago. Americans expressed stronger anti-religious feelings in 2008 than in 1998.

I find it quite scary that progressives are leaving religion, leaving it behind as a banner for conservatives only. No wonder atheist evangelicals like Richard Dawkins have found such an audience.

For example, two-thirds of adults agreed that "religion brings more conflict than peace" in 2008 compared with just one-third in 1998. Similarly more Americans described themselves as "non-religious" in 2008 than in 1998.

These trends reflect a decrease in belonging but not in believing. A majority of the rising number of Americans who cite no religious preference believe in God and two-thirds believe in life after death. Among religiously affiliated adults, non-believers declined sharply between 1988 and 2008.

Yeah, I've talked to so many folks who refuse the word "religious" opting instead for the (in my humble opinion namby-pamby) term "spiritual". It's like the word "religious" has become a bad word, much like the word "feminist".

It also means people have beliefs that go unexamined and unexplored. People's theologies are really messed up quite often, and no one ever gets challenged on that- because of some strange cultural relativism that says "personal beliefs are off limits". More on this topic when I get it flushed out in my own head. Feel free to ask questions, it may help clarify my thoughts!

Event details:
The Institute for the Study of Societal Issues presents in the ISSI Fall 2009 Colloquia Series:
Unchurched Believers: Fewer Americans Have a Religion But Religious Beliefs Haven't Changed Much
Wednesday, December 2; 4:00-5:30 pm
Wildavsky Conference Room, 2538 Channing Way
Michael Hout, Professor, Department of Sociology, UC Berkeley
This event is free and open to the public. Light refreshments will be served. For wheelchair access, call 642-0813 at least one day before the event.

Michael Hout holds the Natalie Cohen Sociology Chair. He teaches courses on inequality, data analysis, and population. In his research, Hout uses demographic methods to study social change in inequality, religion, and politics. In 2006, Hout and Claude Fischer published Century of Difference, a book on twentieth-century social and cultural trends in the United States, that exemplifies this approach. Another book, The Truth about Conservative Christians with Andrew Greeley (University of Chicago Press, 2006) is another example. A couple of illustrative papers include "How Class Works: Subjective Aspects of Class Since the 1970s" in a book edited by Annette Lareau and Dalton Conley (Russell Sage Foundation 2008), "The Demographic Imperative in Religious Change" (Am. J. of Soc., Sept. 2001) and "How 4 Million Irish Immigrants Came to be 40 Million Irish Americans" (with Josh Goldstein, Am. Soc. Rev., April 1994). Previous books are: Following in Father's Footsteps: Social Mobility in Ireland (Harvard Univ. Press 1989) and, with five Berkeley colleagues, Inequality by Design (Princeton Univ.
Press, 1996). Hout's honors include election to the American Academy of Arts & Sciences in 1997, the National Academy of Sciences in 2003, and the American Philosophical Society in 2006. Hout currently chairs the Graduate Group in Sociology and Demography and the Berkeley Population Center. Hout's education includes a bachelor's degree from the University of Pittsburgh in history and sociology and masters and doctorate from Indiana University in sociology. He taught at the University of Arizona before coming to Berkeley in 1985.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Pregnancy complications

O'bee and I were riding the wave of conceiving at the most opportune time and in such a magical way, that when complications showed up, we were stunned. I mean, I got pregnant, had no morning sickness, and didn't have a miscarriage in the first trimester- so all was right in the world, right?

When we went for our 19 week ultrasound, we got the news. Placenta previa- complete. This was a serious complication that could mean bleeding/hemorrhage in my second or third trimesters (which would mean complete bed rest- something our new family could not afford) and worse, another C section. (I gave up a child for adoption when I was 19- the doctors gave me an unnecessary induction and C section to make my baby delivered in their time frame, to accommodate a vacation.) When I talked to my midwife about this, she said it was likely the first C section was the cause of my previa. It is a fairly common side effect of having scar tissue in your uterus from major abdominal surgery.

The idea of not being able to give birth normally and having to go through the pain of recovery of a C section again triggered me- HARD. This was not the way this was supposed to happen! I was just getting used to the idea of having a boy, even though a girl child visited me in dream- and now this? It made me question my sanity and my ability to magically discern anything.

We talked to the midwife, who did not want to give us false hope. Over 80% of complete previas end up with a C section. And since my placenta was placing itself in the anterior of my uterus, it would likely implant into my scar tissue (another 100% C section possibility) if it did move off the cervix anyway. But of course, I was free to try any alternative therapies or efforts to get it to move, and we would do another ultrasound later. There were a few things I had read about on my Mothering Board that have helped people: acupuncture, moxibustion, herb therapies, yoga poses. O'bee immediately contacted a network of initiates in our religious tradition and asked for magical help. According to him, 100 people or so responded and volunteered prayer and magical work. We even got a magical package in the mail from a women I have never met. I was so moved and grateful.

We started simultaneously preparing for both possibilities: mentally preparing for a hospital stay and C section (writing a birth plan, contacting a therapist who specializes in helping pregnant women with previous birth trauma or sexual abuse), and a VBAC at the birth center (attending childbirth classes). I have to say that I was sullen and glum during those first few classes, as everyone was excited and bubbly about their birth experiences and I could not go there. It seemed like a waste of time and I had so little of it! (The classes happen Thursday evenings, after a full day of grad school and 5 previous days of 10-12 hour days of work/school combo. I was freaking tired!)

We had our second ultrasound last week, and got a second picture of baby Rowan's junk, confirming the penis and testicles. We were surprised when the doctor came in (after the tech had spent at least 30 minutes scanning me herself) and told us that a vaginal ultrasound would not be necessary like last time (when they were confirming the previa). In fact, she told us that the placenta was not over the cervix at all anymore. I looked over at my partner and my doula (who had come in with me for support), shocked but hopeful.

I knew that we were not out of the water yet- that the placenta could have moved up and implanted into the scar tissue anyway. So I waited for a call from the midwife, anxiously. The three of us went out for Vietnamese food after the appointment and discussed what this could mean.

The day before my baby shower, we got the call from the birth center. No previa, and no evidence that the placenta was implanted in my scar tissue! I was free to pursue the birth that I wanted, at the birth center.

This journey has been much like all my others in F(a)eri(e). Full of obstacles and things to throw me off the trail. Indeed the trail following this river winds and switches back often- so it's hard to tell if you are progressing or regressing. But follow it I must, and I do. It has been an exercise in strength, patience and trust in the Gods that has kept me sane in the midst of all this chaos. Not that I have patiently waited for the Gods to show me that all will be OK or anything. Hell no. I am not a patient person by nature, nor am I "a sitter". I am "a doer". I need to be able to DO SOMETHING about my circumstance to feel better about it. And magic works, but not in a linear, straightforward cause-and-obvious-effect way. It takes a skilled witch to get the results she specifically wanted, and even then strange unintended things happen as a result. This is why I am grateful that my efforts were strengthened by the efforts of so many others. Thank you, priests of F(a)eri(e). Thank you, Gods. Thank you, placenta and Rowan for cooperating!

Pregnancy & Gender

For the longest time, I was sure that I was having a girl. This child had visited both O'bee and myself in dreams. These dreams were the main reason we started seriously thinking about it and eventually tried. But the two ultrasounds that I have had revealed that we are actually having a boy. Given which Gods we called upon during conception and where we were geographically, this makes sense. But it still came as a shock.

My main sense of loss was raising a priestess to pass on women's mysteries to. When I told this is O'bee, he started getting really excited to have a boy, because his job in childrearing and magical training just became that more interesting, didn't it?

We had picked out a boy name and a girl name: Acacia Prudence for a girl (which was selected long before we ever tried to conceive, based on dreams) and Rowan Sebastian for a boy. Once we knew a boy was in our future, I started calling the baby by male pronouns. It helped me wrap my brain around that fact and shift out of the idea of raising a daughter.

Not that I place too much stock into gender and sexuality these days. After my own shifting identities (bisexual in high school, dyke in college, "experimenting" in all ways after that, married to man who then transitioned to being a woman after that, then being in a loving poly primary relationship with a gay man and conceiving a child with him) and the identities of everyone around me, it really should not matter. And so it does not.

We have started calling the baby by male pronouns and Rowan because it appears that is what is the most likely to happen. But as my ex-wife reminds me, we may have a little girl after all, regardless of genitalia. And I welcome that possibility, too. This child will be loved and cherished regardless of what my preconceived notions of hir gender were. And I think that makes me a better parent.

Conception

We both knew the moment it happened. But I was still a tad incredulous. It was O'bee (my partner) who exclaimed, "we did it"! I was personally stunned into silence.

We had traveled to Nomenus, the Radical Faerie Sanctuary in Wolf Creek Oregon to celebrate that high holy day, Beltane.

For all you non-pagans, here is a Witchvox article excerpt about Beltane:
Beltane, like Samhain, is a time of "no time" when the veils between the two worlds are at their thinnest. No time is when the two worlds intermingle and unite and the magic abounds! It is the time when the Faeries return from their winter respite, carefree and full of faery mischief and faery delight. On the night before Beltane, in times past, folks would place rowan branches at their windows and doors for protection, many otherworldly occurrences could transpire during this time of "no time". ...

When the veils are so thin it is an extremely magical time, it is said that the Queen of the Faeries rides out on her white horse. Roving about on Beltane eve She will try to entice people away to the Faeryland. Legend has it that if you sit beneath a tree on Beltane night, you may see the Faery Queen or hear the sound of Her horse's bells as She rides through the night. Legend says if you hide your face, She will pass you by but if you look at Her, She may choose you. There is a Scottish ballad of this called Thomas the Rhymer, in which Thomas chooses to go the Faeryland with the Queen and has not been seen since.
We intentionally went to a sacred place to celebrate Beltane (during that sacred time) and intentionally conceive a child. When we did, we worked with a couple of our Gods (from the F(a)eri(e) tradition- my partner is an initiate/priest and I am studying to one day be one) as well as the spirits of the place to make that happen. The child who is now inside me was conceived between the worlds and was successfully brought back into this one.

Then we left that place near the art car where the baby was conceived and reveled with our friends and other attendees all day and night, in proper Beltane fashion (ahem). Again, an excerpt from Witchvox:

Young men and women wandered into the woods before daybreak of May Day morning with garlands of flowers and/or branches of trees. They would arrive; most rumpled from joyous encounters, in many areas with the maypole for the Beltane celebrations. Pre-Christian society's thoughts on human sexuality and fertility were not bound up in guilt and sin, but rather joyous in the less restraint expression of human passions. Life was not an exercise but rather a joyful dance, rich in all beauty it can afford.
What can I say about Beltane at Wolf Creek? The maypole was fantastic in all its chaotic glory, the company was amazing, the spirits walked the land, and the radical hospitality shown was a welcome respite from the world I normally inhabit.

The dance in the barn that night was lusty, erotic, and free-form. I will never forget the naked bodies of all genders and sexualities pressed up against one another, the open and uninhibited sexuality of all stripes co-existing, the contortionists writhing nude on the barn beams winking down at the dancers, and the chocolate and strawberries passed as dancers needed sustenance to continue their revels. I went to bed exhausted and complete.

Later, I read a book called The Tibetan Art of Parenting: From Before Conception to Early Childhood that I picked up at Modern Times. It is common in that religious tradition to also do what we did: decide to have a child, pick a most auspicious time, prepare for that time ritualistically, emotionallly, and physically, and then when the moment comes, it is easily recognized. Virtually all the couples in the book interviewed knew the moment they conceived. Even when they, like my partner and I, had tried unsuccessfully before. I really feel like everything lined up and came to together not only because of Beltane and our work with specific Gods, but because our lives were unfolding in such a way to make a baby possible.

For example, I had applied to grad school (in April) for entrance in the fall, and not only does the school support me in my decision to have a child, but is allowing me to take classes online at home next semester when the child is newly born. And just like a baby that is meant to be, this child is conveniently due during intersession, the time between fall and spring semesters! I wasn't sure whether I could pull off school and pregnancy/mothering, but so far I have been supported beyond my wildest dreams and it is all working out beautifully.