Finally!

It has been almost a freaking month since posting here, as I frenzily tried and catch up on papers for my other class in school, unpack my new apartment, show my partner's parents (who drove out here from Ohio to meet their grandson) around, and such.

I have been keeping up with my reading for my special reading course, just not reporting on it here. So the next few blog posts will be about some of those books. For those of you just joining my blog, I took a self-designed course this semester I entitled "Parenting as a Spiritual Practice". This is why I have this blog instead of using the one I started years ago at livejournal. As part of my work this semester, I went to PantheaCon with Rowan (when he was a mere two weeks old) and am going to Wolf Creek for Beltaine with him as well (where he was conceived). I am reading and reflecting on my experiences and readings. And I continue taking Feri classes with my teacher, which are geared to where I am in my regular, everyday life.

Right now, we are doing "demon work". Untying the knotted life force that is unproductive in my life, piece by piece. It is hard, frustrating work- but necessary if I am to one day become a priest in the Feri tradition. Right now, my demon work is in earth- the element of the tangible, manifestation, and other things. My demon is about lack and the search for abundance. It is about knowing when I actually have enough. A hard demon that obviously started when I was young and poor.

Rowan is growing like crazy- eating an obscene amount daily. Up until a few days ago, we were blessed with "an easy baby". Lately though, he cries and I do not know why. It seems random and we try all the usual things and they sometimes work. It is distressing. It's at these times that I need to remember to breathe and lower my energy- for his benefit and mine. It's hard because his baby tears are so heartbreaking and I get into panic mode. It is at these times that I also snap at O'bee (my partner). Not very productive, but very typical for me.

O'bee is as good a daddy as anyone could ask for- he is engaged, interested, present, and enthusiastic. He searches out information on child development with me and we share information that may shed insight into what our son is going through at any given time. He takes equal shifts to give me breaks. We tend to agree on most parenting issues, although there have been some issues that have had to be hashed out and have started as disagreements. In the end, though-we are on the same page.

I have yet to get to the point that I have heard other moms talk about- where they are so exasperated and frustrated that they lose it with their kid. When Ro cries or fusses, I very deliberately think about what language I am using-not for his benefit, since he cannot understand it yet anyway- but for mine. Language shapes how we feel and see the world. So instead of working myself up further, I try and say things like, "Oh, are you having a hard day? It's hard to be a baby, isn't it?" and "Let's see if I can guess what you need. Not that? OK- try again. Mommy's sorry she doesn't speak fluent baby yet..."

Moe on my readings later!