Communication and Misunderstandings

As I navigate my way through my relationships with people in my life, I often stumble. Usually, it is because one of us misunderstands what the other is saying. Language can be so... imprecise. It can lead to arguments and hurt feelings and you don't even know how you ended up there! I often assume language is the problem.

So I was very contemplative when my son, Rowan (who is pre-verbal), got into a misunderstanding with another pre-verbal child (Esme) yesterday. We hosted a couple and their child (who we know from our birth class at Sage Femme) yesterday for an afternoon of "baby party" and adult dinner and conversation.

First, a little background. We are talking to our son to teach him spoken language, as well as signing to him in ASL. But we recognize that he is a few months from being able to communicate back. So in the meantime, we make animal vocalizations with him that he is able to mimic and it makes him happy, little Fetch that he is.

He howls like a wolf and growls like a bear. He does it with us when he is happy and interactive and that's what they "mean" to him.

So when he and Esme and were getting along so well and he was excited by the interaction, he did what comes naturally: he growled ferociously, like a little bear. And scared the crap out of Esme. Boy, did she wail. The adults found it amusing, Esme found it terrifying, and Rowan just didn't understand what she was upset about. All without language.

Or there was the time that Ro and I were playing a little song and dance game on the changing table. Daddy came in and saw all the fun and wanted to join in. He got right into Ro's face suddenly and exclaimed, "Party!". Well, I dunno what went on in his brain to get this result, but Rowan burst into a fearful wail.

I promptly scooped him up and comforted him. Then I turned him to get another look at Daddy, who was eagerly waiting to join in the fun. "Whaaaaaa!". Uh oh! So I turned him out of the line of sight of Daddy again, comforted him and then tried again. And again. It wasn't until the 5th time that Ro didn't cry at the sight of The Daddy Who Startled Him.

What Daddy took away from that was that "Fetch can be wrong." That Daddy really isn't a threat, but it took a while for Fetch to recognize that after a scare. (Of course Fetch can make mistakes- it's just that usually it's after a lifetime of experiences that shape our present that we see it happening...)

Something our friend Rachel said about childhood brain development may also shed light into his behavior: At around 3 months or later, the brain starts developing and using the frontal cortex, center of memories. It is around now that they will be creating memories that they may be able to access later in life. So it's possible that Ro was startled, and each time he looked at Daddy for a short while, he was remembering the scare, more than his care before the scare.

For me, this sheds light on when people with "baggage" (all of us!) act in a way that is in appropriate to the present situation, but seems wholly appropriate to them, based on past experiences. It means that Talker, who is responsible for verbal communication, when relying on baggage-laden (demon-ridden) messages from Fetch, who stores of memories and emotions, can fail. Big Time.

My son teaches me lots of things...

Learning about my son

In most of the religious traditions that resonate with me, deep and meaninful spiritual practice depends on "being present": living in the moment, realizing that THIS moment is really all we have. This practice of mine used to be so much harder than it s now. My son has helped me to remain present more often than a daily sitting practice ever used to.

When we are together, I am constantly checking in with him emotionally and energetically to suss where he is and what he needs in that moment. And while I may have "plans" for my day or evening, if my son "derails" them, I am not as upset as I have been in the past when someone else has derailed my schedule. Being present in the moment is my main priority and goal for the day, everything else takes a back seat. It has meant opting out of some fun things, taking an incomplete this semester (in which I am struggling to catch up as we speak), and looking a lot more flakey than I ever used to (and man, do I hate flakes!). And you know what? It doesn't matter. What does matter is that my son is well loved, attended to and learned about each and every day.

My attentiveness has been rewarded. As his personality is unfolding, I am learning more and more about this tiny human and what he will be like.

My son is shy. He prefers small intimate gatherings to large boisterous ones. He is curious, but only not when overwhelmed by stimuli. He likes meeting new people, but usually one at a time and he likes to have mama or daddy nearby when it happens. He likes staying at home and exploring things slowly.

He is energetically quite sensitive, and picks up all sorts of things from people. When confronted with people with crazy, tweaky, or angry energy, he moves inward. His eyes unfocus and he retreats. He uses this coping skill in large crowds as well. He has learned to go internal when facing uncomfortable people or scenarios- where did he learn that? I always thought these tendencies (as well as being an extrovert or introvert) were socialized, learned behaviors. But these appear to be "how he is", as if he were born that way.

These things make him appear rather boring to the large crowds that have met him at Beltaine, Pagan Pride, and PantheaCon. But nothing could be further from the truth. While he is still developing who he will be, I can assure everyone he is fascinating, quite smart, and engaging. You just have to meet him on his terms!